The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
