I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
