I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
