I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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