If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
