I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
