I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
