i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
