life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
