I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
