You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
