You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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