I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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