This dress was meant to end up on your floor
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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