I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
