She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
