Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
