U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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