you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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