I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
