I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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