I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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