I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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