Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
