I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
