Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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