I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
