if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
