Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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