he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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