Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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