Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
