My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
