Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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