Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You smell like stripper and shame
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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