I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
