I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
