I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's rum buckets o'clock
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
