Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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