you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
