dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
