I accidentally burped into my bong.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
