Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
