I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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