Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
