walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
