How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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