My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
