Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
