i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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