note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
