I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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