I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
