How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
