I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
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Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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