They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
