would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
