ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
